By Jason Martin Karasev, LMFT
Though there are cultural frameworks for understanding transitions across the span of a child’s life — ‘terrible twos,’ teenage rebellion, etc. — there are few roadmaps for Gender. For many parents, this area feels like an intimidating, anxiety inducing, even scary precipice. Though it may feel helpful for children to have a clear narrative when they are exploring gender or making gender changes in their everyday life, it is in fact a much more slowly emerging process. As such, it goes through several — sometimes sustained — periods of being unknown. However, the unknown in this case describes the experience of the parent: feeling in the dark, wanting more ‘data,’ or having a sense of being overwhelmed. The child, in the meantime, may have a great deal of clarity, but not want or feel ready to articulate the complex feelings inside. When we take into account social stigma, complex family dynamics, attacks on gender diverse communities, limits to child linguistic abilities, and the vulnerability of discussing ones body, it’s no wonder a child may have a hard time putting into words the gender dynamics within.
Research indicates that there is a significant gap between a child’s understanding that their gender doesn’t conform to expectations, and when they actually communicate this fact with others — namely parents. For instance:
“In one study, the average age of self-realization for the child that they were transgender or non-binary was 7.9 years old, but the average age when they disclosed their understanding of their gender was 15.5 years old. Those years in between were a time often marked by fear and shame, making them vulnerable in their isolation” (The National Institute of Health; researchers Todd Savage and Leslie Lagerstrom).
The child may know quite early on their sense of gender, but make a clarifying statement to the parents only much later down the road. What this means is that in the interim, there is a great period of ‘not knowing’ for the parent(s). The anxiety of this moment makes it ripe for typical parent interventions, like seeking more ‘evidence’ from their child. And this is understandable! If ones child is going through a significant experience impacting their identity, it is a natural parental inclination to want to “know more.” But, since Gender is such a unique experience in its expression, it is by proxy a unique experience to parent. It begs of the parent to do something against the grain, and therefore uncomfortable.
Parents often feel they know what is best for their kids — there is a reason this is a common saying. But gender is an area in which kids know best for themselves. It can feel jarring – even irresponsible — to follow their lead. This is not a parent-child dynamic that generally feels safe. However, to support kids in the process of gender changes, while preserving a long-term trusting relationship, parents must tolerate this ‘unknown.’ But what does this mean, and how do we do it?
First we must acknowledge some things that parents might go through along the way. Though each family is unique, and emotions run a wide gamut, I will touch on some of the most prominently reported parent experiences I have seen in my work.
Grief, Loss, and Shame.
Parents may feel sadness at the loss of the identity they associated with their child. This may mean feelings of grief over the idea that they no longer ‘know’ their kiddo, and they may start to feel disconnected or alienated from them. It can indeed feel painful for a parent to lose their idea of their “little girl” or “little boy.” We all have notions built-in about how gender could (should?) look, and sadness and shame may come online if things don’t play out the way parents envisioned. Even if a parent feels quiet prepared for what the gender journey might bring, other family members and outside forces may not be as open and this can lead to hiding and shame.
Anger, Fear, and Helplessness
A child’s gender journey may leave some parents feeling angry that something new and overwhelming is being introduced into the family system. They may feel anger with their child, themselves, and more broadly speaking, society for how certain gender populations are treated. In short, there may be an increase of anger in general, and this is a common experience! Helplessness may arise as well. Parents may feel ill-equipped to support, understand, or protect their child. A child having a shift in their gender identity or presentation may leave parents scrambling to find a blueprint or pathway forward, especially since they are likely without a reference point for this from their own childhoods. Finally, given overt attitudes and policies towards certain gender communities, parents may also fear that the world will be cruel or hurt their child, and this may influence their actions and opinions on their child’s gender expression.
Parents’ Gender Identity
The parents’ gender struggles from current or early life may come rising to the surface. This does not necessarily mean identifying differently than assigned at birth, but it can show up in much more subtle ways — ways in which the parent has felt hardship related to being a man/boy or woman/girl in the world. However, in some cases, depending on the parent, this may indeed bring about their own questions and exploration around Gender. All of this can color how the parent internally experiences a child’s gender, as well as how they may behave towards their child.
So given this baseline, how do parents stick with their kids in what may feel like a confusing, emotional whirlwind?
Think of being half a step behind your child, rather than ahead or in a “knowing” position. Remain close enough to support and hold them, but not far enough to lead the conversation or determine the terms. Be curious, reflect back what you see, ask if they would like any support or space to talk, but refrain from suggesting you can see the road ahead better than they can, which includes referencing the past as an established “baseline” for their gender.
It may be painful, but it is helpful to release expectations and hopes of what your child should become in regards to gender. When children are born with personality traits or temperaments that are not what their parents envisioned or thought they’d match with, parents typically try to respect the child they have right in front of them. They subsequently deal with any hard emotions that come up as a result. This should be the same with Gender.
Try to slow down worried thoughts or projections. It is natural that these will come, but can you notice this and try to put them aside? For example: “Tommy has started to paint his nails. I worry he’ll be picked on.” He may be. He may also not be. This may also lead him to finding deeper connection with those who see him and help him feel like his best self. Get support from trusted friends, partners, communities, therapy. Find a place to share your very valid concerns so that you can do your best to follow your child’s lead without too much interference.
Help children articulate themselves, through their own words. Try to follow how they identify and use these words and descriptions, even if they feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar to you. Yes — this means pronouns! These are much more than just words or email sign-offs. When a child is honored by the way they see themselves it reduces anxious and depressed feelings, and increases self worth and a sense of safety.
Allow these articulations and identifiers to be flexible! Not flexible through words or ideas that comfort the parent, but through the child’s ever-evolving language and wishes. For instance, a cis-gender boy says he feels himself to be a girl. The boy wears a dress one day, then the next day demands boys’ clothes. How does a parent remain flexible, without disrupting their Childs expression, and staying with them in this moment of unknown? It’s tempting to say, “I thought you felt like a girl! I just helped you buy a dress. Why the boys clothes today?” This might communicate a parents challenge with remaining calm and supportive through the Child’s periods of exploration. Remember, when it comes to gender, most children don’t feel sure about expressing their full selves right away and are constantly assessing small and big ways of understanding wether or not they are safe. An approach more in-line with the Child’s needs might be, “Yesterday you were feeling like wearing the dress. Today you are really wanting your boy clothes. Let’s see if we can find something that fits together. Can I help?” Mirror back their journey, let them know you see them and remain steady (without privileging a certain outcome). Then offer support for their wishes in the present moment. An important note here is that this is a “striving not arriving” endeavor for the parent; no one is perfect and all of us will stumble in our attempts to best support our children. On that note…
Implicate yourself, your blind spots, and your missteps. You will lose your cool, let anxiety take over, use the wrong pronouns, etc! You are a human and your approach to supporting your child will not be automated. If you notice something out of line with the way you’d like to be with your kiddo, it is helpful to acknowledge this to your child in a developmentally appropriate way. This is not a ‘screw up,’ this is an opportunity. This models that they can be “messy” and imperfect, too, and it allows for the invaluable process of repair between parent and child.
Don’t be afraid to ask hard questions or be curious! Many people project a sense of fragility onto kids exploring gender. While it is true they will have tender moments, staying silent and “not bringing things up” often perpetuates shame and hiding. People may avoid asking about important parts of them and their state of mind, thus confirming some of the worries about their gender presentation and how it is perceived. It is ok to inquire and then have your child say they do not want to talk about it. Your reaching out is a powerful gesture alone that reflects curiosity, comfort, and investment in their identity. It is a-ok, maybe even necessary, to ask how they feel in their body, about their sexuality, about clothing, about binders, etc. It can even help to take a step back and simply ask how it feels to talk about this topic with you in general.
A child’s gender journey is so deeply personal and nuanced, and therefore so is the experience for each of their parents. This article doesn’t cover nearly all of the feelings and thoughts that may come up, but I hope it can serve as a conversation starter for the ways in which families can think about this often daunting experience. I also want to note that while I advocate for following your child’s lead, that does not mean an absence of boundaries. Should medical interventions be on the table, of course you as a parent want to do due diligence in identifying the best resources for medical information and support, and thinking through potential interventions in collaboration with your child. This may include therapists, gender clinics, primary care physicians, and more.
For further support and exploration, here is a list of books and resources:
An extensive list of vetted books, by age, from 'Ally Moms'
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